It has been nearly a year since my last post! I was struggling to blog before that, but then I just forgot about blogging in general and got out of the habit.
So much has happened in the last year. We have had so many joys and some sorrows, just as everyone does. I plan to write posts about lots of wonderful things, but tonight I'll post about a recent experience. Last month we had a miscarriage. I felt that writing about it might be therapeutic for me, so here it is! It may be a lot of information, but you can stop reading at anytime...
Vance and I were almost 11 1/2 weeks along in this pregnancy. Our due date was June 25, 2015. We had just announced our pregnancy. The week earlier I bought an entire new and fabulous wardrobe of maternity clothes at Target because they had a Black Friday weekend sale. (By the way, it wasn't fun returning them). My mom called on a Monday in early December and asked if she could come that weekend. Of course!
My mom arrived Friday, December 5th. As soon as she arrived, as usual, there was such an energy. We were so excited to see her and spend a few days with her. My mom volunteered to babysit that night so Vance and I could go on a date. We were so excited.
Vance and I left to Buca de Bepo's restaurant for dinner. We had never been to this Italian restaurant before. The food was excellent! During dinner, I left for the restroom. I knew something was wrong and told Vance. We didn't know if this was a miscarriage or not, but we knew it was a possibility. We could have gone back home, but my mom was babysitting and we wanted to go to the temple to do sealings for family names that I had worked so hard on. What better place to be at the temple, right?! The session was a really beautiful experience and we felt the Spirit.
By the next morning (Saturday), we decided to keep our heads up and continue. The bleeding stopped, but had some minor spotting, then a little more, etc. Lincoln wasn't feeling great so we stayed home for a good portion of the day. We made two stars out of cardboard and covered them with foil. My kids were going to be the "stars" for the Christmas nativity scene that night. It was the big Christmas party for our ward. Our presidency had prepared for the nativity scene, and were excited for the night. The night consisted of dinner and the Christmas program. I remember feeling so warm and flushed in the face, but loving the party. I was really having a lot of anxiety over the nativity scene. It seemed chaotic and people weren't as prepared as I had hoped, which made it a bit crazier. In the end, it turned out great and the children seemed to have a wonderful experience.
We headed home and I was exhausted. I didn't feel good, but also relieved that the night was "over." By this evening, I had been convinced I was likely having a miscarriage. A short time after arriving home, I saw my tiny little baby. I had "delivered" this baby. It was not what I had expected. Vance and my mom were so sweet and comforting. I know this was a bit hard for them too. I know that many, many, many women go through miscarriages, but it was still hard. Vance and I cried for a few minutes. My mom kept Lincoln and Lauren busy and got them ready for bed. Vance and I saw our little, tiny two inch-long perfect baby. It was a difficult and beautiful experience all at the same time! We didn't know what to do with this little body. It was REALLY cold that night, but I asked Vance to bury the baby between two of our hydrangea bushes. (I am really looking forward to spring when those flowers blossom). I don't know what most women do in cases like this, but it seemed best at the time.
I went upstairs to be by myself, compose myself, etc. The bleeding increased, and was heavy. After about 2 hours, it hadn't slowed. I was feeling guilty that this "fun weekend" with my mom in town was turning into a more dramatic, less happy one. By this time, I was also pretty light-headed.
If you know Vance and I, you know we are careful with spending...and will avoid any huge hospital/medical bills if we have too! Plus, it was December and who wants to meet their deductible in December? But at this point, we knew this wasn't how a normal miscarriage should go. My mom is a nurse, and she thought we should probably go to the ER.
The ER in town went ahead and admitted me. The nurses were so friendly and kind. The doctor wasn't able to stop the bleeding with a quick procedure. But over the next couple of hours, hey doubled the IV fluid for me, and occasionally had me stand, but each time I felt like I was going to pass out. They transported me to another hospital, for a D&C. We live in a small town:) They performed the D&C finally, and that was honestly a great relief.
Anyway, we finally got home around 7 am. Vance was exhausted as well. He was so sweet and had stayed awake with me all night. My mom took Lincoln and Lauren to church, which was so nice because it allowed us to get a good sleep. It was a blessing to have her there that weekend. I really feel that the timing of her visit was inspired. It was perfect.
The first week or two after the miscarriage brought a lot of emotions. Guilt---did this happen because I lifted the double jogger stroller in and out of the car--and jogged too hard the week before? Acceptance---it wasn't hard to believe it happened, just so surprising. The chances were so low at 11 weeks, right? Miscarriages happen to other people! Depression---this really stinks.......but the cookies and treats people brought helped:)
Overall, Vance and I have felt so much peace through this experience! We are humbled by the overwhelming amount of kindness rendered towards our family. In Vance's words, "We had enough cookies to feed an army!" There were so many kind friends and people who helped or offered to help. Hopefully I can pay it forward to others in the future. We are grateful for a loving Heavenly Father, and for the peace we can find by seeking Him.
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